Nekkid

Since last post, I've been thinking a lot about how much I dwell on my mistakes. Though I generally don't hold grudges and dispense forgiveness to others rather resiliently, I sometimes have trouble accepting forgiveness for myself. For some reason, I am reminded of one of my most cherished memories. It went something like this:

I was lying flat on my face in Kona with a select group of homies...we were asking God to show us what He had in store for the 35 young people who would be coming to learn about Him, and what it was to follow Him. This group would later be going to Japan with us for two months. How could we pray for these students? What could we do as staff to set the atmosphere for God to move in their lives? (That sounded funny...like He needs an "atmosphere"...WE need the "atmosphere", haha.) Right in the middle of intercession, a funny word popped into my head. I had to laugh out loud, because it caught me off guard. Everyone looked at me like I was insane. I told them that a word came to my mind, and that word was "naked." Yeah, I'm insane. Then, another of our group said, "No way! I just got that!" I'm not the only one who's crazy! Slowly, the rest of the staff began to pull out Bible verses about David dancing, Adam and Eve being naked and unashamed, our bodies being clothed in white by Christ...The wheels started to turn in our heads about how we could decorate our room like a sento (Japanese bathhouse). You had to be "naked" to enter a bathhouse. Aiko and Shinobu, our Japanese staff, just shook their heads.

So what does it mean to be naked? Figuratively, naked is without pretense. Everything is out in the open...literally, when we are naked, all flaws that are otherwise covered are out in the open: our birthmarks, our cellulite, our scars, etc. What are the clothes we wear that separate us from being totally honest and broken before Him...despite all of our mistakes? What "robe" do we hold onto tight? Earthly accomplishments? Rebellion? Lies and Mistrust?

Intimacy requires nakedness. You can't get closer to someone than being naked. Really, we should be closest to God. I'm sorry if this blog makes you feel uncomfortable. Obviously, I'm not saying we should start a nudist Church! ha. It's our souls that should be naked and pure, and presented before Him, not our earthly bodies. So yeah, for some reason this memory really put things into perspective for me. Naked.

Addicted to Perfection

When we think of the word "addiction", certain substances come to mind: alcohol, drugs, sex, eating, shopping, coffee, and...myspace. Usually these addictions are fairly easy to detect because of physical evidence. More difficult, is detecting an addiction to perfection...This type of addict has made an art of denying all physical evidence of flaws.

This is essentially my testimony. Growing up, I was the type of kid who would wince at an A minus. Not only was I at the top of my class, I was also really, really, good. To get to heaven, you had to be, right? This was the warped ideal I grew up with. God is perfect, so to be with Him, we must also be perfect. I went to extremes to ensure my place in the kingdom. For example: I once chased a priest down in a parking lot to confess that I didn't take my vitamin.

I could not let anyone know that anything was wrong with me. I was the poster child for poster children. But when my parents split, I slipped. My grades went down. Other things were suddenly more important than school, but you can't explain what's happening to you when you're ten. School just got hard. It was hard for other reasons too. My grades were no longer defining me. To my classmates, I was still different, and at that age...different isn't good. I withdrew completely until I was about 15. At my high school, I was known as the girl who didn't talk. (True story!)

I changed highschools my junior year. That was around the time my dad started taking us to Santa Cruz Bible Church. I went to the highschool group and learned about a Jesus who takes us as is. Funny how even now, Jesus always finds me in my most humble state. It's like I have to remember who I am so I can understand who He is (and vice versa). I am still learning about grace and forgiveness...and little by little, I am still being healed from all the guilt I carry for not making the mark. We can't ever earn what Christ has done for us.

What is the point of sharing this? Because many of my friends look at my life and compare it to theirs. They compare their soiled pasts to my squeaky clean reputation and are ashamed. But when the Bible says "all fall short" it means ALL fall short, Pharisees and prostitutes alike. I can spend the rest of my life trying to do the right thing, but like a hamster in a wheel, I won't get anywhere. This won't bring me closer to God. (This will just make me really tired!) God wants our hearts and He wants repentance...a true follower follows out of love. This is not the path to perfection, but to the One who is perfect.

Monterey

The coolest thing happened yesterday. I have this friend from college named Darla who lives in the northern states and travels around a lot. The last time we were in the same city, we were not able to connect because I was at my cousin's wedding pretty much the whole time. After I left class Saturday, I check my messages and there is one from her from Friday saying that she was on a sailboat heading for Santa Cruz! I had just left Santa Cruz and was on my way to Monterey (further away) to help lead worship, so that meant that I would have no time to see her. I am hardly ever in Monterey, by the way. I call her back to see if she made it to Santa Cruz okay and that I probably wouldn't be able to see her. She tells me that they ended up docking in Monterey instead. Hahaha! Then my friend Jenny, who I was leading worship with, said they they just moved practice up an hour! So I got to hang out with Darla in Monterey. Here's proof: