Many posts in one

I haven't posted in quite some time, for good reason! I finished student teaching a week ago, and it has been quite the whirlwind of experiences. One of them very sad: the second week I was there, a girl from my class died in a fire. It has now been almost two months since her death. Sometimes I wish that I could grieve the way others do...because it makes me look like I don't care. Basically, I don't really cry. I cry about other things...but people would ask me how I was after it happened, I didn't know what to tell them. I know what protocol is, but I can't do it. I just felt kind of overwhelmed, and couldn't really choose one emotion...and I asked a selfish question, please forgive me: Why did I wait so long for a placement, I finally get one, and this happens? I trust God that I was supposed to be there. If anything, to help out my Master Teacher. She took it very hard. Hopefully I was a help to her in the classroom.

Well, the two months of internship (four months really) are done. Now I need to turn in my portfolio on Friday...nevermind that I'm wasting time on the internet. 1 1/2 years later, I will finally have my credentials!!

So I finally made the decision to co-lead a Bible study. Why is this such a big deal? Because I purposely laid low for two years. I had a rough time leading the last team in YWAM, and well, it made me question whether or not I'm supposed to be in that leadership position. I was never trusted, and I tried...maybe it's because I'm not sensitive enough. In attempt to be caring, I ended up really upsetting people about getting into their business. Even still, I don't know what exactly it was that they needed. Maybe the point is, that I tried too hard. And wouldn't you know it, that God knows me so well...when I do come back to leading something, He gives me the group that totally scares the crap out of me! I'm serious. They are all these amazing leaders...I honestly do not feel worthy at all. But maybe that is the right place to be. I'm realizing that I need to break free of the image that I am together, and I am in control. Part of that healing process is allowing myself to look like a damn fool, and finding myself not caring what people think of me. It all comes down to being vulnerable is what I mean. I have no problem being honest...the other is totally different.