Addicted to Perfection

When we think of the word "addiction", certain substances come to mind: alcohol, drugs, sex, eating, shopping, coffee, and...myspace. Usually these addictions are fairly easy to detect because of physical evidence. More difficult, is detecting an addiction to perfection...This type of addict has made an art of denying all physical evidence of flaws.

This is essentially my testimony. Growing up, I was the type of kid who would wince at an A minus. Not only was I at the top of my class, I was also really, really, good. To get to heaven, you had to be, right? This was the warped ideal I grew up with. God is perfect, so to be with Him, we must also be perfect. I went to extremes to ensure my place in the kingdom. For example: I once chased a priest down in a parking lot to confess that I didn't take my vitamin.

I could not let anyone know that anything was wrong with me. I was the poster child for poster children. But when my parents split, I slipped. My grades went down. Other things were suddenly more important than school, but you can't explain what's happening to you when you're ten. School just got hard. It was hard for other reasons too. My grades were no longer defining me. To my classmates, I was still different, and at that age...different isn't good. I withdrew completely until I was about 15. At my high school, I was known as the girl who didn't talk. (True story!)

I changed highschools my junior year. That was around the time my dad started taking us to Santa Cruz Bible Church. I went to the highschool group and learned about a Jesus who takes us as is. Funny how even now, Jesus always finds me in my most humble state. It's like I have to remember who I am so I can understand who He is (and vice versa). I am still learning about grace and forgiveness...and little by little, I am still being healed from all the guilt I carry for not making the mark. We can't ever earn what Christ has done for us.

What is the point of sharing this? Because many of my friends look at my life and compare it to theirs. They compare their soiled pasts to my squeaky clean reputation and are ashamed. But when the Bible says "all fall short" it means ALL fall short, Pharisees and prostitutes alike. I can spend the rest of my life trying to do the right thing, but like a hamster in a wheel, I won't get anywhere. This won't bring me closer to God. (This will just make me really tired!) God wants our hearts and He wants repentance...a true follower follows out of love. This is not the path to perfection, but to the One who is perfect.